Wednesday, November 26, 2014

And it is Very Good

When morning broke today, I left the warmth of my bed to glimpse what the world had waiting for me.  As I pulled back the drapes, I smirked to myself.  By now, I'd imagined the view from my bedroom would be different.  Maybe tucked into a mountainside, nestled in between the pines- perhaps overlooking a lake, if it wasn't too much to ask.  I'd imagined once I had more money, maybe when the kids were older, my view would change and I would live the life I was intended to.  Instead, what I see from my bedroom window is the yellow house belonging to Mrs. Chen, a neighbor who hands me bok choy and hot, homemade pot stickers over the fence. I see my big yard; A yard that should have been tended to before the first snow fell. A yard absent of even one pine tree. And it is very good.

I believed one day, I'd steal moments of solitude in my kayak in that lake out back. I imagined lazy days writing, deep in thought while sipping hot tea.  I would spend hours creating savory masterpieces for my family where every delectable bite is wrapped in love.  Instead, I am a laundry maven, an errand goddess and a short-order cook lucky to get dinner on the table in time.  I am a shuttle bus picking up here and dropping off there. I am a slave to a schedule, I am hurried, I am short on time.  And it is very good.

I imagined living someplace where the locals sport cowboy boots or overalls and drive pick-up trucks or Jeeps-population 1,001.  I imagined I'd dread out my hair and bathe myself in patchouli oil somewhere nobody would think I was strange or that I smelled funny.  Instead, we drive mini-vans and SUVs and wear ballet flats.  We live in suburbia with all of the other laundry mavens and short-order cooks and I rarely ever smell someone wearing patchouli oil. And it is very good.

Once, I fancied myself a future freedom-fighter, speaker on a soap-box, a pursuer of justice, hero to many.  Instead I am just a mender of little girl's boo boos and broken hearts. I am helper to some friends.  I am hero to only those who call me mom and I am loved by a man who will likely never move me to the mountains, but would move mountains for me.   I am a pursuer of purpose, I am beloved and I am the daughter of a King.  And it is very, very, very good.